It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
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[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill