Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Wake me when AI does housework
President The Rock Obama
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake