I hope google does well on my son’s test
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I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
how to exercise your calf muscles
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training