Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
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Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.