If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings