My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.