caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind![]()
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The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
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[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
People buying plungers never look happy.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.