caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed