Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.