WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy