“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
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The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.