me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
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“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
RT if you could go either way.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Gemma Correll
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK