To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
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I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards