[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
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Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.