omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
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[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
📽️movie date🎞️
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
next question.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I wish I were this cool 😂
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.