First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet