My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.