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one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*