Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.