[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
who wore it better?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.