Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
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Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better