Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The photographer’s assistant
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day