Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
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So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Seems kinda suspicious
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
How to draw a duck
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it