Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
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[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
never compromise your values
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
my first dose meeting my second
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.