i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
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Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.