REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
You Might Also Like
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Lol.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.