Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Breaking news:
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*