I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Called it
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy