I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
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Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
uncle dave has been through hell
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.