Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.