centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.