professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
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me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Cause of death: Zumba
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.