It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works