You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
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When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?