[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense