Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
i smell a pulitzer
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
He wanted to make sure😂
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.