When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
You Might Also Like
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?