Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

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I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle


Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.


Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.


Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.


If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,



Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.


All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.


Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.