Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

Watson was Holmes schooled

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands