Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
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Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what