Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
New Tinder profile.
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Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
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SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
How to make infinite energy.
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*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.