My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
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*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
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Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
mom gave me mine for free
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own