Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Blew my mind.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
“FOUND ‘EM!”