How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
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he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’