6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
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Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“We will wed,” I threatened
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok