If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.