[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
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I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
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Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.