First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
britain’s three elite institutions
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.