8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
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you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
greetings!
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!