good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
This kid is going places
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
translated into Canadian
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally