*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success