*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
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Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story