4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I hate when that happens.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask