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Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Webb. James Webb.